Still in Washington D.C., Bahdy mistakenly allows his crazy African stalker to book an appointment. And later, in an effort to be sociable, he hangs out with the mean girls of rent men - Peaches and Plum. Featuring. Bottom Bitch Crazy African Peaches Plum Starring: Timmy Probably Sound Engineer: Evan Kohlmayer Composer: Kory Hilpmann Executive Producer: Brian Cushenberry
Still in Washington D.C., Bahdy mistakenly allows his crazy African stalker to book an appointment. And later, in an effort to be sociable, he hangs out with the mean girls of rent men - Peaches and Plum.
Featuring.
Bottom Bitch
Crazy African
Peaches
Plum
Starring:
Timmy Probably
Sound Engineer: Evan Kohlmayer
Composer: Kory Hilpmann
Executive Producer: Brian Cushenberry
www.bahdyworks.com
Narrator: Rule Number 3: It’s better to have an enemy who honestly says they hate you than a friend who is secretly putting you down.
OPENING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
Narrator: I’m not glamorizing the lifestyle…learn from this.
Narrator: Based on true events, most of this happened.
The Wolf Among Sheep.
PAUSE
Narrator: On my way to the hotel, I made a stop at Walgreens, and you wouldn’t guess who I saw: Peaches & Plum. They’re best friends who hoe together. I call them Peaches and Plum because they’re not necessarily the most popular fruit in the basket, but somebody likes them.
Peaches is high-yellow, about 6’ feet tall, very athletic build. Plum is maybe 5’10, dark skin, and slim. They both look like they’re in the mid to late 30’s even though I think they’re around 25 and 26.
They are what I like to call the mean girls of rent men.
Narrator: “Hey y’all!!” I said, surprised that they happened to be here at the same time as Crisco.
What a coincidence, I thought to myself.
Full disclosure -- Crisco and Peaches had a falling out a few months back in Chicago. From what I can ascertain, they were supposed to take the trip here together, hang out, and work.
It was romantically motivated by one, and an opportunity for a discounted hotel stay for the other. Funny enough, if that would have played out the way Crisco expected it to, I probably wouldn’t be doing this line of work today.
What ended up happening is Peaches brought Plum to Chicago with him. Now that’s three escorts in one hotel, fighting for the same clientele. Never Good!
Peaches lied to Crisco telling him that Plum would be staying with family while he was in town after the first night. Instead, they ended up convincing Crisco to use his Marriot discount to get them their own room the next day. Well played if you ask me.
The first time I met them was after I booked Crisco for a massage. Yes, I indulge in a good rub down here and there.
After the massage, we talked about all the gyms being closed, and he showed me all the workout equipment he brought with him. So, we decided to meet up again to get a session in before he left town.
Later in the week, we finally found time to link for this workout session. And right before we got a chance to start, there was a loud knock at the door.
LOUD DOOR KNOCK
Narrator: In comes Peaches and Plum. Peaches had to be high on something because that bitch came in pupils wider than backhoe tires! And, sweating like he just ran a marathon.
They walked into the room as if they owned the place, without even acknowledging Crisco.
Peaches walked right over to me and said,
Peaches: Hey, who are you?
Narrator: I looked at Crisco like Ummm, whose crackhead is this?
Narrator: Umm I’m Bahdy bro.
Peaches: I’m Peaches! And he’s Plum! So, what are you guys doing? Are you about to work out? Where do y’all know each other from?
I’m about to change and work out too then.
Come on Plum. Let’s go change clothes!
Narrator: I never got a chance to respond to any of the questions.
As you noticed I didn’t have much to say about Plum. He just seemed to follow Peaches wherever he went, like a little lapdog.
Narrator: As they headed to the door, Crisco looked over at me.
Crisco: I’m sorry man.
Narrator: It’s cool, but are they alright? The light skin one seemed a bit skittish.
Crisco: Yeah, it’s a long story.
We all worked out in this small room doing circuit training, I took some pre-workout that had me sweating pretty hard. Peaches must’ve thought I was high as well because he kept saying;
Peaches: You got you some good shit too, huh?!
Narrator: Not sure what shit he’s referring to, but I just nodded my head in agreement.
Midway through circuit training, Peaches and Plum began taking pictures and going live on their Instagrams. I noticed how they meticulously kept Crisco out of frame.
Crisco: You guys mind if I live stream too?
Narrator: “I don’t care.” I replied.
Peaches and Plum looked at each other before announcing they had to go before Crisco even had a chance to grab his phone. Oh yeah, those crazy physiques are typically enhanced by steroids, lots and lots of steroids. Just FYI, before you do it just look at the side effects first: Man boobs, limp dicks, and a short temper.
I let Crisco inject me with something before and there was a literal painful knot on my ass that took weeks to go away. I thought I was going to be on an episode of ‘Botched!’ On my way home, I called Crisco, and he was telling me how he felt played by Peaches because they barely spent any time together during this trip.
Wanting to cut his losses, he decided to leave a day early without mentioning it to Peaches.
Without Crisco there to use his hotel discount, they had to pay full price for their room. Peaches was furious and sent a scathing text message to Crisco. I’m sure with his temperament, Crisco’s response wasn’t for the faint of hearts either.
Plum: Hey man how’s it going?
Narrator: “It’s going great. How long have you guys been here?” I asked.
Plum: A few days now. We’re staying up the street. Where are you staying?
Narrator: Right next door. I’m just picking up some oils before I check-in.
They were both fashionably dressed in the latest Italian garbs. Anytime I’m on the road, the last thing I’m thinking about is what I’m wearing, especially when my job consists of being naked for most of the day.
Peaches: You should stop by later on. We’re going to party.
Narrator: I didn’t know at the time what ‘party’ meant, and my phone was ringing nonstop. I quickly exchanged numbers and agreed to hang out with them later this evening.
“Well, I have to go get ready guys. Hit me up later”, I said while walking towards the register.
Narrator: Hello?
African John: Hello Bahdy! Where are you?
Narrator: I don’t know why this man doesn’t understand that aggressive yelling he be doing doesn’t resonate well with my spirit. I’m all for the motherland, but we’re in America, and that abrasive ass-talking will get you cursed out or worse.
“I’m at the store, grabbing some oils”, I respond not sure why he’s asking. Or better yet why I’m answering his questions.
African John: I’m at the hotel lobby, I’ll wait for you here!
Narrator: “Ay Dios Mio!”, I said to myself.
I met the crazy African during my first trip to DC. He’s a chef with his own restaurant. A middle-aged bald guy not terribly out of shape, but he’s definitely getting high off his own supply at that restaurant of his. Our first massage was pretty weird, and I don’t know why I haven’t blocked him after that experience. See, I typically try to control the situation when I’m giving a massage. I learned very quickly that not being assertive will have these pervs thinking that they can do whatever they please to you.
As I massaged his back, he kept looking up at me. I wouldn’t have minded, but he insisted on keeping the lights on.
African John: Bahdy, you’re so handsome.
Narrator: Thanks man, you’re not bad yourself.
African John: So you like me?
Narrator: …he said looking at me as if I was a piece of meat out in the wild.
At this point, I got pretty damn nervous. Don’t get me wrong, I could probably kick his ass with no problem if it came to that. I just didn’t want to have to fight nobody in a hotel room, butt naked, doing massages.
“Yeah man you seem pretty nice”, I said while trying to locate the butter knife from the food I had earlier that day. I wasn’t planning on using it, but as he stood up that seemed more and more like an option I may have to take.
African John: I want to be one with you Bahdy!
Narrator: Now at this point, I felt like my goodies were being threatened and this damn fool wasn’t about to fuck me up a wall! His dick was longer than a water hose!
“Excuse me!”, I said to him, the veneered smile leaving my face.
I came to dance for y’all, that’s it! I felt like Ebony at Junior’s bachelor party. Side note: Junior could have got it. Hell, he wasn’t getting married until TOMORROW! I wondered why she fucked her cousin man, but had morals all of a sudden when it came to Junior. I guess Diamond knocked some sense into her ass after all.
I almost got out of character with him, so I just had to channel my inner Beyoncé and put my best fake smile back on. After all, he’s paying top dollar for my services. It’s best to regain control of situations like these by being charming. So, I politely explained that I’m not a prostitute and that he should just enjoy the massage.
I typically say something like; “If you really like me the way you say that you do, ask me out to dinner or something.” Then you hit them with the, “You are way too handsome to be paying for sex anyway Luv.”
Hell, the last time I had to take dick was with my ex and it wasn’t a quarter of the size, and typically only lasted long enough for a commercial break. This Dikembe Mutombo-looking motherfucka probably has some stamina. I wanted to say, “No no no, not in my cheeks!”
He stood in front of me with that two-by-four he called a penis aimed at me like a bullseye. We stood there for almost two minutes straight. I’m not even sure he blinked, and I wasn’t sure the reverse psychology tactics were working either. Plan B was to start swinging, but he eventually just laid back down and let me finish.
African John: So, you want to go on a date with me?”
Narrator: …he asked, staring up at me as if he was in some sort of dream.
I hesitated for a moment and I’ve been doing good thus far… not lying but this situation warranted it.
Narrator: Yeah man, I think it’d be fun.
As I wrapped up the massage, he quickly got dressed. For a moment, I thought he was about to run out the door without paying. He hands me a wad of cash. From what I could see, there were enough big bills that it didn’t warrant my counting.
He gives me a tight hug and then reaches in for a kiss.
I turn my head, his lips grazing my left cheek.
Narrator: “I don’t kiss strangers”, I said in the nicest way I could muster, feeling disgusted yet again.
African John: I’m no stranger, Bahdy! Stay with me, come back to D.C, and stay with me for a week, in my place, you and I alone!!!
Narrator: Ummmm, sure. I’ll let you know when, ok?
African John: You promise!” I’ll show you a good time!
Narrator: “Uhhhhh, Yep!” I replied with my fingers crossed behind my back.
Now, I’m not sure if any of you guys seen ‘Silence of the Lambs’, but he was not about to have me trapped in a hole, in his basement waiting to get skinned alive.
After that encounter, he would call me all the time. Due to the fact that I don’t save anyone’s number on my phone, I kept mistakenly answering.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
African John: Bahdy! Why haven’t I heard from you?! When are you coming back to me?! I want to see you now!
Narrator: And that was him during a good day.
Me not blocking, or at least saving names in my phone, is why I told him I’ll be back in D.C, and letting him book an appointment. I was mad at myself, and if I’m sure he’s going to attempt to ‘Be one with me’ whatever the fuck that means or die trying.
African John: Why you don’t call, Bahdy?
Narrator: “I be really busy, man. You see how much I travel for work.” I responded.
African John: I call. You’re busy. I call. You’re busy. I don’t understand. I like you, why you do not like me? (he asks rhetorically).
Narrator: I turn up the music to drown out the incessant questions.
MUSIC FADES IN
Narrator: As I neared the end of the massage, a sigh of relief. This went pretty well without any incidents, I thought to myself.
Considering I didn’t have to grab my butter knife this time, I decided to do some warm compressions on his legs to help with the edema. He got a little excited, to say the least. Now, this is a normal occurrence at this point.
I’m so used to seeing naked bodies, I feel like a mortician. Uninterested and unbothered. Honestly, my sex drive is at an all-time low, and that’s really low if you know how low my shit already was before this. I didn’t have the energy to charm my way through this, and I felt like it was punishment for not blocking him last time.
Narrator: “All done”, I said.
He hopped off the bed, penis fully erect, walking towards me. Now, if I liked penis or even him for that matter, I might have played it a lot smoother.
African John: Bahdy, let me pokey pokey!
Narrator: “Man, if you don’t put your damn clothes on”, I said while clicking my heels together.
‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home’ I thought to myself, closing my eyes briefly.
Damn! It didn’t work.
African John: Bahdy, I want to pokey!
Narrator: ‘Bruh!” I said inhaling deeply as my patience ran out.
African John: How much to pokey pokey? You told me to wait, and I wait, and wait! The time to pokey is now!
Narrator: I need to think quickly, and this entire incident is triggering the fuck out of me.
African John:“$1500, on top of the $250 for the massage! And you only have seven minutes because my next client is in the lobby.”
Narrator: Now, I knew the man wasn’t going to pay it, but at this point, I was probably going to get raped by not giving him a number.
African John: $1500!!! To POKEY POKEY! I’m not paying $1500 for that! (he barked)
Narrator: “Ohhhh, I’m not worth $1500?”, I replied.
For a moment I was a little offended, but I quickly remembered that was part of the plan.
African John: Yes, you’re worth it, but I cannot pokey you in seven minutes.
Narrator: “Five minutes, you only have five minutes now”, I replied pointing at the clock.
He put on his clothes and finally left. Surprisingly, my butthole remained unharmed during that encounter.
...............................
MOBILE PHONE DIALING A NUMBER
Bottom Bitch: Hey, how are your appointments coming along?
Narrator: Zamunda tried to take the cakes AGAIN!
Bottom Bitch: Mmmhmm, I bet he could do some damage. I can organize your contacts so that you’ll know who’s calling you from now on.
Narrator: Cool.
Bottom Bitch: Just send me the iMessage information and I’ll get started on it.
Narrator: Thanks. I’ll talk to you later.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Narrator: Later that evening, I get a call from Peaches asking me if I still wanted to stop by.
“Sure, I can stop by for a minute. I don’t have any clients at the moment.”
Now, Crisco was more my friend than they were, but he hasn’t been much of a friend lately, so I didn’t feel bad about hanging out with these hoes. This is my first time chilling with the mean girls since the hotel in Chicago. Lord, I hope they don’t think I do coke, I thought to myself. Drugs seem to be the norm for a lot of these guys. Oftentimes, working just to pay for a habit. It’s quite sad to be completely honest.
I was surprisingly pretty booked, considering all of the people in town. I don’t have the best body or face, but I try to compensate for my shortcomings by being respectful and compassionate. It also doesn’t hurt that I keep my rates reasonably low in comparison to the competition.
Clearly, those two had plenty of time on their hands. Now, you have some people who work tirelessly, like myself. Not that I want a pat on the back or anything. I just know that this is temporary, and after I do it for a year, I honestly plan on not doing it in this capacity anymore. Others do this and go shopping and take trips for the gram.
I finally went over to see what Peaches and Plum were up to. They were staying in a very upscale hotel, way more expensive than the Hyatt Place I use for a quarter of the price.
I made sure to bring a Gatorade with me. I don’t even trust people enough to accept a glass of water. I got an early life lesson about not accepting anything from anyone.
Narrator: Hey y’all!
Peaches/Plum: “Hey Bahdy!” (They both said in harmony.)
Narrator: I believe they share one brain at this point. I walked into the hotel room as they sat in front of the television watching old-school videos of Gladys Knight's performances.
Peaches turned the volume down and sat next to me, casually pulling out his phone.
Peaches: “Sooooooo, Bahdy have you been busy here in D.C?”
Narrator: …Plum looking over at me curiously.
“Yeah, I’ve been extremely busy”. I replied.
Peaches: That’s good.
Narrator: He pulled out a small bag of some white powdery substance, sniffing a line of it off his hand.
Plum: “We’ve been busy too.”
PEACHES NOW LOOKING OVER AT HIM ANNOYED
Peaches: I’ve been busy Plum, I’ve been busy too!
PEACHES SNAPPED AT PLUM
Plum: That’s what I said.
PLUM IS SEEMINGLY CONFUSED
Peaches: You want a bump?
Plum: I do!
PLUM SHOUTED EXCITEDLY
Narrator: “No thanks”, I said quickly
He nonchalantly proceeded to do another line off of the table.
Plum: “How much do you charge?”
Narrator: …Plum asked, trying to change the subject as if this one question has been killing him to find out.
Mind you, this is the most I’ve ever spoken to this man, so I was a little taken aback. The fact that he had a voice, let alone the ability to hold a conversation, was quite surprising, regardless of how awkward the conversation may be.
“Umm, I have different rates so it varies”, I responded as Plum looked at Peaches, waiting for his next command.
Peaches: You want a bump? (Peaches asks again)
Narrator: “No thanks”, I responded, now feeling pretty uncomfortable. This is the third time I was asked to do coke in the past 20 minutes.
Plum walks over and lights a blunt blowing the smoke purposely in my direction.
Plum: You smoke?
Narrator: No, it makes me paranoid.
Plum: We got liquor.
Narrator: “I’m ok, thanks though”. I guess this is what they meant by 'party.'
Peaches: Fix him a drink.
PLUM WALKS HASTILY TO THE KITCHENETTE.
Narrator: Peaches went into the bathroom for a moment, and the smell of burnt plastic came pouring out upon his return.
Plum hands me a glass of something, but I continued to sip my Gatorade instead.
Peaches, who now seemed to be in somewhat of a daze, came over to me and said,
Peaches: Different rates? Huh.
Narrator: I showed them my menu with all my prices. They whispered to each other, glancing over at me from time to time.
“Now I don’t think you guys understand how weird it is to be in a room with two other grown men, and they’re literally whispering in each other’s ear, and clearly, I’m the topic of discussion.”
Peaches: I think we have a problem.
PLUM LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER, NODDING IN AGREEMENT
Narrator: “What’s the issue?” I asked bewildered
Plum: Your prices are too low!
PLUM ONCE AGAIN BLURTED OUT, CAUSING PEACHES to SIDE EYE HIM FOR HIS LACK OF TACT.
Narrator: My prices are too low? Now, I’m not a full-service person, so I can’t be out here charging astronomical prices. Like I stated earlier, I’m selling a dream, not fulfilling every John, Dick, and Harry’s fantasies.
Plum: But you have something on your menu called full fantasy!
PLUM SAID WHILE WALKING TO THE BATHROOM
Narrator: I’m not 100% sure, but It sounded like he murmured, “cheap lying bitch”, as he closed the door.
Seconds later, the same burnt plastic smell Peaches had following him outside of the restroom moments ago, was back.
Peaches looked at me while placing his hand gently on my knee.
PEACHES TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND EXHALES SLOWLY
Peaches: “Hun You’ll never get a pair of Balenciaga’s with these H&M prices.”
PEACHES LIFTING HIS LEGS SO THAT I CAN SEE THAT HE HAD A PAIR ON.
Narrator: But I’m not slinging dick or getting banged out.
Peaches: “You’re not? (Peaches said in shock.) Why?”
Narrator: “It’s just not my thing”, I replied.
Plum walked back into the room, and they began whispering to each other again, handing me back my phone.
Just in the Knick of time, Bottom Bitch calls me out the blue.
Bottom Bitch: Hey
Narrator: What’s up?
Bottom Bitch: “Nothing, what you doing?
Narrator: About to head back to my hotel
Bottom Bitch: Ah ok, well you have an outcall. I’m about to text you the address.
Narrator: Bet. I just don’t want to be all used up, no offense. I said.
Plum: Used up?
Narrator: Plum barked back at me visibly upset.
PEACHES STUTTERS
Peaches: What I meant to say is, well I guess that’s why you’re making pennies on the dollar.
Narrator: Feeling uncomfortable, I quickly got up and said my goodbyes.
“Well, I have another client, so I have to go get ready”, I informed them. Peaches walked me to the door while Plum rolled his eyes, and they gave me a hug before I left.
Plum: Be safe.
Narrator: …Plum said before I got into my Uber.
UBER DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
Narrator: As I approached my client’s house, I received a text message from Peaches.
Peaches: Hey, if you are too booked let us know. Plum hasn’t had one client since he arrived.
Narrator: “Ok, I’ll see what I can do”. I replied.
I guess all he is making enough for is a pair of Balenciaga’s, I thought to myself.
I immediately left my therapist a message scheduling the next available appointment. That entire incident just felt like deja vu.
CLOSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
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Human trafficking is a situation in which an individual is compelled to work or engage in commercial sex through the use of force, fraud, or coercion. If the individual is under the age of 18, and engaging in commercial sex, they are experiencing it regardless of force, fraud or coercion is also taking place. If you believe you may have information about a trafficking situation, call the national human trafficking hotline, toll-free at 1(888) 373-7888. Anti-trafficking hotline advocates are available 24/7 to take reports of potential human trafficking. Text the national human trafficking hotline at 233733. Message and data rates may apply.